Book: Never Split the difference
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Chapter 1: How to confront without confronting
- Use the late-night FM DJ voice
- Start with I’m sorry
- Mirror
- Silence at least 4 seconds
- Repeat
Chapter 1 Recap
- good prepare, great reveal surprises
- assumptions < hypotheses, use negotiation to test
- negotiation = battle, agreements < discovery, uncover information
- to quiet voices in your own head, make the only goal to listen
- slow it down
- smile
3 voices
- late-night FM DJ voice use selectively
- positive playful default
- direct assertive rarely, will cause problems, push back
mirror: repeat their last 3 words
Chapter 2: Don’t feel their pain, label it
- imagine yourself in their shoes. acknowledging their situation isn’t agreeing it’s listening. if they think you’re listening they’ll negotiate better.
- the reasons they won't make an agreement are usually more powerful than what will make an agreement so first clear those barriers to agreement. denying barriers or negative influence gives them credence, get them into the open.
- pause — after labelling a barrier or mirroring — the other party will fill the silence.
- label their fears to diffuse their power. the faster interrupted their fear the faster they feel safe.
- list the worst things the other party could say about me and say them before they can. accusation audit. when said aloud often sound outrageous.
- they want to be appreciated and understood. use labels to reinforce and encourage positive dynamics.
Try this the next time you have to apologize for a mistake. Go right at it. The fastest and the most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it.
When I make a mistake, “look I am an asshole”, is an amazing way to make problems go away.
Instead of addressing grumpy grandpa’s behaviour, “we don’t see each other all that often. it seems like you feel like we don’t pay any attention to you. and you only see us once a year so why should you make time for us.” pause. “for us this is a real treat. we want to hear what you have to talk about. we want to value our time with you because we feel left out of your life.”
research shows that the best way to deal with negativity without reaction and without judgment is to consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive and solution-based thoughts
the reasons why a counterpart will not make an agreement with you are often more powerful than why they will
First, clear the barriers. Denying gives them power. Get them into the open.
after you label a barrier or a statement PAUSE don’t worry the other party will fill the silence
label your counterparts fears to diffuse that power
generate feelings of safety, wellbeing, trust by acknowledging the other person’s situation you immediately convey that you are listening and once they know that you are listening that you can use the reasons
list the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can
perform an accusation audit in advance. heads off negative dynamics before they take root because these accusations often sound exaggerated once said aloud. speaking them encourages the other person to claim the opposite is true
Remember you’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions
Chapter 3: beware yes, master no
- push for no, not yes
- yes usually means wait or I’m not comfortable with that
No
Translated:
- I am not yet ready to agree;
- You are making me feel uncomfortable;
- I do not understand;
- I don’t think I can afford it;
- I want something else;
- I need more information;
- I want to talk it over with someone else.
Ask:
- What about this doesn’t work for you?
- What would you need to make it work?
- It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.
Let’s talk about what you would say no to. people are comfortable saying no here because it feels like self-protection. once you’ve gotten them to say no people are much more open.
If despite all your efforts the other party won’t say no, the canary in the coalmine, dealing with people who are indecisive, confused, or hidden agendaNegotiation, end negotiation, and walk away. No no = no go.
email magic never to be ignored again: have you given up on this project?
Don’t push for yes. Push for a no. It seems like you want this project to fail.
No is not a failure. No is not the end. No is the beginning.
Is now a bad time to talk > than you have a few minutes to talk
Chapter 5 trigger words
- silence, pause
- minimal encouragement eg yes, ok, uh-huh, I see
- mirror
- label eg it all seems so tragically unfair, I can now see why you sound so angry
- paraphrase
- summarize
Negotiate in their world. It’s about the other party convincing themselves my idea is theirs.
chapter 6 bend their reality
anchor their emotions
let the other guy go first
establish a range
pivot to non-monetary terms
when talk numbers, use odd ones
surprise with a gift
Salary
be pleasantly persistent on non-salary terms
splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, meeting halfway is a bad deal for everyone
approaching deadlines entice
f word, when the other party drops the fair bomb, don’t react, ask them to explain how mistreating them
the anchor starting point, the extreme number to make my deal look better
people take risks to avoid the loss than gain, have the other party see their loss from inaction
chapter 7 illusion of control
what about this is important to you?
how can i help to make this better for us?
how would you like me to proceed?
what is it that brought us into this situation?
how can we solve this problem?
what’s the objective? what are we trying to accomplish here?
how am I supposed to do that?
have you given up on settling this amicably?
it seems that you feel my bill is not justified?
how does this bill violate our agreement?
are you saying i misled you?
are you saying i didn’t do as you asked?
are you saying I reneged on our agreement?
are you saying I failed you?
it seems like you feel my work was subpar?
how am I supposed to accept that?
it seems like you are the type of person who prides himself on the way he does business — rightfully so-and has a knack for not only expanding the pie but making the ship run more efficiently
do you want to be known as someone who doesn’t fulfill agreements
stick with how or what questions
avoid why questions
chapter 8 guarantee execution
how
I, me, my = the decision-maker, the power, is elsewhere
We, they, them = decision-maker
7% words, 38% voice, 55% body language and face — do the other two align with what the other party is saying
That’s right > Yes
https://blog.blackswanltd.com/the-edge/what-makes-you-think-your-yes-is-real
there are 3 types of “yes” — Confirmation, Commitment & Counterfeit
The first time they agree to something or give you “yes”, that is #1. Next use a label along the lines of “It sounds like what you want/what you agreed to is X. Their answer to that label is #2. Last, paraphrase what they said — “Please forgive me, I want to make sure I have this right…etc.” — the counterpart’s response to that is #3.
How does this fit? What do we do if we get off track? What will you need to make that happen?
Know their emotional drivers and bend words to be their solution
Let the other person go first.
Script
- No oriented email question to initiate contact. Have you given up on settling this amicably?
- A statement that leaves only the answer of “that’s right” to build a dynamic. It seems that you feel that my bill is not justified?
- The calibrated question to get him thinking. How does this bill violate our agreement?
- More no questions to remove unspoken barriers. Are you saying I misled you? Are you saying I didn’t do as you asked? Are you saying I reneged on our agreement? Are you saying I failed you?
- Labelling and mirroring the essence of his answers so he has to consider them again. It seems you feel that my work is subpar.
- A calibrated question to any offer other than full payment in order to get him to offer a resolution. How am I supposed to accept that?
- It seems like you’re the type of person who prides himself on how he does business rightfully so and has a knack for not only expanding the pie but making the ship run more efficiently.
- Long Pause
- Do you want to be known as someone who doesn’t fulfil agreements?
chapter 9 bargain hard
Ackerman plan
- set target price
- first, offer 65% of that
- calculate three raises: 85, 95, 100 percents
- use empathy, other ways of saying no to get the other side to counter before i increase my offer
- the final amount, use non-round numbers
- the final number, add a non-monetary time to show I’m at my limit
Keep your cool:
pause. think. let passion dissipate. say less.
Japanese use translators.
do not counter-attack. ask a calibrated question.
Who is in control? the listener
Don’t:
force opponent to say I am right
aggressive
avoid questions that can be answered with yes or tiny information
why
Do:
ask calibrated questions with how or what. the illusion of control eg asking for help. they spend their energy solving your problems.
Yes/agreement: We don’t have a deal until done.
Specific numbers
Say no without saying no
Why are they communicating what they are communicating right now
chapter 10 find the black swan
mistakes = the other party isn’t irrational or crazy
- ill-informed
- constrained
- other interests
3 types of leverage:
always leverage: time necessity competition
can be manufactured eg emotional
inflict damage
withhold gain
normative: inconsistencies between their beliefs and actions
Scripts:
It seems like you strongly value the fact that always paid on time
It seems like you don’t care what position you’re leaving me in
Have you given up on finalizing this deal this year?
Appendix
- the goal. think about best, worst, but only write down specific goal best case. carry this written goal into negotiation.
- summarize. facts up to negotiation.
- labels. accusation audit. 3–5 labels:
it seems like is valuable to you;
it seems like you don’t like;
it seems like you value;
it seems like makes it easier;
it seems like you’re reluctant to.
4. calibrated questions. 3–5 to reveal value and deal killers.
what are we trying to accomplish?
how is that worthwhile?
what’s the core issue here?
how does that affect things?
what’s the biggest challenge you face?
how does this fit into what the objective is
Behind the scenes deal-killer
how does this affect the rest of your team?
how onboard are the people not on this call?
what do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area?
think about their perceived loss: self-esteem, status, autonomy, nonfinancial needs
what are we up against here?
what is the biggest challenge you face?
how does making a deal with us affect things?
what happens if you do nothing?
what does doing nothing cost you?
how does making this deal resonate with what your company prides itself on?
Follow up questions with labels
it seems like is important
it seems you feel like my company is in a unique position to
it seems like you are worried that
noncash offers
what could they give that would almost get us to do it for free?
